By Alexandra Petri Columnist
June 4, 2020 at 9:00 a.m. EDT
If there was one thought in America’s mind when it watched our gallant president stride to St. John’s Episcopal Church and heft a Bible in one hand, it was: That man has definitely seen or held a Bible — or, indeed, any book — before, and he knows it cover to cover, from Genesis to Two Corinthians and even beyond! But what could be his favorite stories from that much-loved book of his, or someone’s? Here is my best guess.
Genesis: Two fools want more, better information rather than to feel blissfully ignorant all the time. They meet Tim Apple.
Exodus: Egypt, a land of very good administration, responds correctly to a series of plagues by changing nothing about its daily lives or routines.
Golden Calf: People are inexplicably punished for worshiping something shiny and fake.
Daniel: Ferocious beasts defy their duty to attack a man who has committed an offense against his ruler.
Lazarus: Very good illustration of how easy it is to recover if you put your mind to it and why nobody needs health coverage.
Job: Someone is treated almost but not quite as badly as Donald Trump gets treated every day.
Ruth: Ruth accompanies her relative Naomi to a new country in a disgraceful instance of chain migration.
Two Corinthians: There are Corinthians, and there are two of them, for sure!
Joshua and the Battle of Jericho: Very sad story about a man blowing blasts on a trumpet and damaging a wall.
Solomon: A man suggests a very good way of dealing with a disputed baby, but a nasty woman interferes.
Lot: A man’s wife does something different with herself physically, and he sort of notices after the fact.
David and Goliath: Someone makes the mistake of flinging a projectile at a heavily-armored man; they will need to come down on him hard.
Noah: This is a good, inspiring story about a wise man in a floating bunker avoiding a catastrophe, but on the other hand it is bad because he is also surrounded by animals, birds, reptiles — disgusting.
Jonah and the Whale: Bunker again, but worse.
Esther: Failed king listens to a woman about not inflicting violence on people?
Revelation: Beautiful first draft of Trump inauguration speech.
Abraham: Man confusingly remains married to the same woman for decades.
Temptation of Jesus: Man offered infinite worldly power; says no, like an idiot.
Crucifixion: Agitator gets what is coming to him